Australian Pie

it was played every second sunday morning on pbs comedy show in melbourne (early 90’s) i did have it on tape but can’t find it.

I was also a big fan of the PBS and RRR comedy shows — Dave Taranto RIP!
I was just thinking of the song and expected to find it on YouTube or something when I did a search… but this was pretty much the only site that came back.
So for our grandchildren… I’ll try to write down what I can remember. Please fill in the gaps if you can!
(note I didn’t write this, I just heard it on the radio! and I can’t remember all of it, bits with question marks I’m not sure about or I have no clue what goes in that line…)
A long, long time ago
I can still remember how that first beer used to make me sick
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could get into her pants
And maybe I’d be happy for a while
But February made me shiver
With every chunder I’d deliver
Retching on the doorstep
I couldn’t crawl one more step
I can’t remember if I cried
But sure as hell I nearly died
Someone pushed me right outside
The day I thought I’d died
So bye bye Miss Australian Pie
Drove my Holden to the Goulburn but the Goulburn was dry
The good ol boys were sinkin’ stubbies of Vic
Singin’ this’ll be the day that I’m sick
This’ll be the day that I’m sick
Did you go and steal my beer
You watched me with a crafty sneer
And my mate told me so
Do you believe in stealing a moll
From a mate you trusted with your soul
Did you tell her to go down real slow? (??)
Well I know that you’re in love with him (?)
Cos I saw you go down to the gym
You both kicked off your thongs
Man I dig those coloured condoms!
I was a lonely teenage drunken punk
Brought back to life with a stomach pump
But I knew I was out of luck
The day my brain cells died.
And we were singing, bye, bye Miss Australian Pie
Drove my Holden to the Goulburn but the Goulburn was dry
The good ol boys were sinkin’ stubbies of Vic
Singin’ this’ll be the day that I’m sick
This’ll be the day that I’m sick
Now for ten years we’ve been sinkin’ piss
And Fosters never tasted like this (?)
But that’s not how it used to be
When ?? sang for the king and queen
With a song he borrowed from Don McLean
And a voice that came from you and me
( this whole verse I can’t remember… here’s the original if it helps jog your memory
Oh, and while the king was looking down,
The jester stole his thorny crown.
The courtroom was adjourned;
No verdict was returned.
And while lennon read a book of marx,
The quartet practiced in the park,
And we sang dirges in the dark
The day the music died.)
And we were singing, bye, bye Miss Australian Pie
Drove my Holden to the Goulburn but the Goulburn was dry
The good ol boys were sinkin’ stubbies of Vic
Singin’ this’ll be the day that I’m sick
This’ll be the day that I’m sick
Helter skelter in a summer swelter.
??
Eight miles high and falling fast.
Landing hard on the grass.
Smokin’ a bong made out of glass
??
Now the evening air was sweet perfume
While Triple R played a spin-out tune.
We all got up to dance,
Oh, but we never got the chance!
??
Someone tried to steal our stash
Do you recall the outlay of cash
The day our brain cells died?
We started singing,
Bye, bye Miss Australian Pie
Drove my Holden to the Goulburn but the Goulburn was dry
The good ol boys were sinkin’ stubbies of Vic
Singin’ this’ll be the day that I’m sick
This’ll be the day that I’m sick
(something about the car breaking down??)
??
??
So come on: Jack, you’re simple! Jack, you’re thick!
Jack Flash sat on the gearstick
(??)
Oh, and as I watched him on the ??
My hands were clenched in fists of ?.
No angel born in Goulburn
Could fix that fuckin’ Holden!
And as the…?
??
Do you recall the outlay of cash
The day the Holden died
He was singing,
And we were singing, bye, bye Miss Australian Pie
Drove my Holden to the Goulburn but the Goulburn was dry
The good ol boys were sinkin’ stubbies of Vic
Singin’ this’ll be the day that I’m sick
This’ll be the day that I’m sick
I met a girl who gave good head
And I asked her for a root instead,
But she just smiled and turned away.
I went down to her sister’s door
Where I’d had so much luck years before,
But the girl there said I couldn’t stay.
And in the streets it wasn’t fair
Found myself in Eden Square
Not a penny on me,
I’d missed out on such a honey!
And the three drinks I admire most:
Fosters, Vic, and Bundy’n’Coke,
Replaced by drinks like West Coast
The day our taste buds died.
And they were singing,
bye, bye Miss Australian Pie
Drove my Holden to the Goulburn but the Goulburn was dry
The good ol boys were sinkin’ stubbies of Vic
Singin’ this’ll be the day that I’m sick
This’ll be the day that I’m sick

Glad I’m not the only one searching for this.
One fragment I can add is:
A fight broke out in the car-park
?Can’t remember this line?
And we drank stubbies in the dark
The day the Burvale died.

Gearstick…..
Cos, intelligence ain’t Jack’s best friend

I remember part of it like this:
So come on: Jack, you’re simple! Jack, you’re thick!
Jack still playing with the gearstick
(??)
And as I watched it on the rise
some grease and oil spilt(?) in my eye

I know it went:
So come on: Jack, you’re simple! Jack, you’re thick!
Jack still playing with the gearstick

because intelligence ain’t jacks best friend